Once again, I fall deep into a depression. It started about 2 weeks ago and I didn’t really understand why it came out of the blue. There was too many things happened at once which really upset myself. I wanted to study but I couldn’t focus on things I need to do. This is the 4th and this is the worst from all. I notice the difference between the first three and the last one. When I went through the first three, I have a place to vomit out everything that stuck inside my heart. This time I didn’t have any. Probably, I was too reluctant to share recently. Since I lost my continuous contact with my best friend, I tend to keep everything within my boundaries. I mentioned a few to others but didn’t really tell everything. This is what I thought caused me into the trouble. I couldn’t release soon enough like those before. I have searched everywhere but I couldn’t find what I actually need. I could get what I want but not what I actually need. For example, I could find friends but I didn’t find the friendship. That’s why I become reluctant to share. While I always know that for those kind of episodes I don’t need any big helps. I just need to talk to someone I can trust, someone who really cares about me.

This fall, I tried to stand up by my self, alone. I tried every possible way to rebuild everything while solving all problems and catching up my study at the same time. Unfortunately, I fell even deeper. As usual, I had to hit the lowest point before I could turn around everything in one second. That is indeed what I did. I decided to leave my social life for a while. I reduce my involvement in Internazionale Milano fans forum. I reduce my tweets. I deactivated my facebook. Those are things that I never did before and someone who is close to me would know that something is not right when I leave facebook. However, it seems like I have gone unnoticed from facebook. Only two people knew I quit facebook. One is my younger sister and the other is my best friend. Probably, most people noticed but they just didn’t care, only these 2 who were really care? Not sure. but this friend of mine, AJR, she helped to enlighten my path. She brought a light into the darkness of my sight. She did what I needed. I just need to speak it out. Once I have thrown out this guilty tumor in my feeling, I would feel much much better.

I hit the lowest point on Saturday afternoon. Then I deactivated my facebook the day after. That Sunday night, I was all alone in my apartment. I sat in front of my laptop and listened to any songs on youtube I could find. Somehow I clicked a song by Coldplay. The title is Fix You. I didn’t know why I suddenly listened to the lyric carefully. The song tells everything I was going through. I have tried my best yet I never succeed. I can get what I want but never find what I need. Like I said, I can find friends but it is the friendship that I need. I found a girl, she is the one I want, but I can’t get her love which I need. Because of all those problems, I’m stuck in reverse. I kept turning around in the same corner wandering alone if I could ever find a way out in the darkness. At that moment, I cried. I was sad not because I was sad. I was sad because I felt like a loser. Indeed, what a loser I have become. I fell before and I stood back up to fight to survive. I didn’t just fall once or twice. I have been beaten up by destiny more often than before. How many failures I have had? How many more failures I want it to be? How many big, moderate, and small problems I have faced? Why am I scared now? Why am I losing everything now? Why did I make myself like a dead shit? I wasn’t sure myself. I was lost and I didn’t know where to go or what to do. Until I realised that there is so much things I have to fix before I leave the earth. That ‘fix’ started last Sunday and I started by fixing me.

This is my final year as a medical student. I need to make a big step to fix myself and turn everything inside out and outside in. I changed all you and your in the song into I, me and my. I tried to change my mood on Sunday but I couldn’t make it 100% just yet. Monday came and I was still on the course to fix me. Finally, I blasted the wall on Monday night after I successfully made a breakthrough in my mind.I believe that it was like a circle, so when I hit the worst taste I’m actually right next to the best. Indeed, it took me 1 second to make a decision to fix me.

It has almost been a week since I felt the lowest point. I’m feeling better today and looking forward for the challenge. Thanks to AJR for enlightened me (now I have 6 angels). That was all I need. I need a big smack and the most important thing I need is a friendship, a place where I could go when I need to drain it out. I am not demanding things from my friends, even those who I consider my best friends. Those whom I am always ready 24/7 for. I don’t demand any returns of a good friendship. I just hope that in this darkness I live, once in a while, there will be any one of billions people or any one of the few friends I have in the entire universe would come and bring me a light if mine is dead. I’m probably naïve but friendship is my ultimate happiness. However, whatever it takes, this must come to an end. I promise you, I will learn from my mistakes and I will fix me.

 

 

 

FIX ME

When I try my best, but I don’t succeed
When I get what I want, but not what I need
When I feel so tired, but I can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down my face
When I lose something I can’t replace
When I love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide me home
And ignite my bones
And I will try to fix me

And high up above or down below
When I’m too in love to let it go
But if I never try I’ll never know
Just what I’m worth

Lights will guide me home
And ignite my bones
And I will try to fix me

Tears stream down on my face
When I lose something I cannot replace
Tears stream down on my face
And I…

Tears stream down on my face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on my face
And I…

Lights will guide me home
And ignite my bones
And I will try to fix me

-Original song: Fix You by Coldplay-

 

Hello, world!

 

I am the new Me. 20102011.

With Love,

eldios©

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