I felt empty. I didn’t know what I want. I didn’t know who I want to be. It is scary to see what I have turned into. This rollercoaster miserable mind has seriously shaken my life for the last 1 month or so. It hit th climax on the day when I supposedly finished my exam month around 3 weeks ago.

I usually enjoyed myself much and had a little celebration post-exam. However, that couldn’t be the case because I had to sit for 2 more exams as I failed one of the module. Yet another fail, another thunderous moment. This is what I am not sure what has happened to me for the last 3 years. I seriously don’t know and have myself only to blame.

So, I spent the weekend after my exam just chilled out at home before I re-started my engine for the repeat exam. I felt in deep shit because I failed the module that I really didn’t want to re-read. But, I guessed I haven’t done enough reading and that was the reason I’m still in Ireland at the moment. That made my mood became more miserable as laziness struck into my head. I had difficulties to boost my engine and keep it warm. I thought I would need one or two good escapes from these retard moments.

Lucky enough, I have a friend came over from Malaysia to make a visit to Ireland. I knew her from my ex-housemate. She was the reason I found a good friend now, AJR. AJR and her are two best friends. We knew each other only about 2 years ago when I lied down on my ex-housemate bed and he left his laptop and YM online just for me to find out. Aha! That’s the beginning how I started to know this girl and eventually started my friendship with AJR. How I started it and what was the reason behind the scene is a secret to me only and not to share to anyone. (I’m sorry 😦 ).

Anyway, this girl, AS, came to Ireland with her friend, NK. They had little time to see how small Ireland is which is just enough. So, I tried to squeeze a chance to meet them with AJR in between my study madness. The first day we went out for a lunch and then I just followed those girls to do some shopping. Following girls to do shopping has been my job as I have 2 sisters. Some friends asked me that favour too, though there is one friend who always helps me to shop every year before I leave Jakarta for Dublin. The first day wasn’t a long day because I just joined for a late lunch after they finished the Dublin walk tour.

The next day, I tried to quarantine myself in my room with my books in order to join them the following day again. AJR told me that they had a plan to go to Bray that following day (2 days after the first day I met them). So, I thought that could be a great escape for myself to release some pressure on my brain, just to grasp some fresh air or just to stay away from this madness. Probably, I could re-establish my soul that way. Therefore, I decided to join them.

When I was preparing my stuffs for the trip, I found my old kite in the corner of my wardrobe. I thought it would be awesome if I could once again fly a kite. It has been five years since I flew that kite. I bought the kite in 2006 when I just arrived in Dublin. One of my seniors invited me to join him. We flew the kite in Blackrock which is nearby Bray. The kite always reminds me how struggling I was in the beginning of my journey in Ireland. With all the homesickness and loneliness I had back then, I should have been thankful for what I have got and been today. Indeed, I’m grateful for lots of things though I still feel that there is still a big hole of questions in my heart. I hope I could answer these soon enough. *sigh*

Anyway, we decided to meet up at the train station at 10.30 am. We took the 11 am train to Bray with the bunch hope of a great sunshine. It was not as sunny as I would want it to be but at least it is a good weather. Walking down the beach a beautiful moment itself. It was much a relief to dead cells in my brain. I really enjoyed it much. I could just sit there for hours and hours if I wanted but with those photogenic girls, obviously it is simply impossible.

Bray has 2 parts of great scenery. One is the beach and the other is the hill. Once we have finished with the beach we climbed a hill. I mean half the hill, or probably a quarter. We just stopped there and had some fun. I, as I already planned, tried to fly the kite. But, it turned out to be very difficult. First, because it has been 5 years since I flew the kite. Second, because I didn’t actually set the kite myself 5 years ago!

I struggled how to set the horizontal sticks in the beginning. After I got it settled, the most confusing part was how to connect the kite and the string. That was the biggest problem. I had 5 friends around me with a big help initially but one by one gave up and enjoyed rolling over on the grass more. The more I could not get it right, the more curious I was. The kite actually flew but could not get high to the sky because the string pulled upwards instead of downwards. I tried it more than 10x to release and tie the string again but I kept failing. Until at one time, I thought to see from a different perspective. I flipped the kite around. I thought if I have failed many times on the back side, it could be the front side is the answer. So, I tried to tie it on the front side. The kite finally flew! High!


My Kite

My Kite


As I said, it has been 5 years since I flew my last kite. It was like I got to learn all over again about how to keep it high and steady and how to go along with the wind. Flying a kite is not just simply hold the string and hoping the kite will go high. It requires much technique to sail the kite to conquer the sky. Suddenly, I had big smiles. I was so happy. I was happy not only because I made the kite high but I had the old perspective of my childhood. It was much fun in the old days to fly a kite. I was also happy because I learnt something that day.


It isn’t about how high you fly the kite, but it is about how you fly the kite high


Fly The Kite High

Fly The Kite High


I enjoyed that day much as it was a great and fun escape with friends. I loved it also as I found my lost soul again. The lost soul that has been in much struggles lately. The lost soul that has dreamt high. The lost soul that was so scared to fly because the fact the dream is too high and unapproachable. The lost soul that hid somewhere behind the curtain of shames because how low it has flown.

People often talk much about how high they are compared to others. People are proud how superior they are compared to others. People often feel satisfied when they could make others feel small and unwanted. But, people often forget that just like a kite, life goes as the wind blows. Life is similar to a kite that we have to have a grip to handle it when it goes down or to hold it high. People who are at the high end often forget that they could also fall or at least swing whenever wherever. This is why it is not important how high you fly, but the more important thing is to learn all the struggles on the way up so you know how to get up when you are on the way down. People who have tasted the struggles on their way up will know more how to keep it up there compared to those who took elevators or escalators on the way up although those elevators or escalators are their advantages over the others.

I’m saying this not because of jealousy of others who could make their pride up there very easy. It is more for a reflective of myself. I never actually care how high I fly. I have fallen too much to compete with others. I am left behind and have only myself to blame for my lack of intelligence, but what I could now is only to keep trying as I tried to fly my kite. It does not really matter how much I have actually fallen. How many times I could stand up again is all counted. I don’t count how many wounds or injuries I have. I just have to go back on my feet and run again. I don’t need to chase others. I will chase the finish line. I will chase the dream, my dream. It does not matter how hard the road to the finish line, I will have to make it. It may not be in one or two days or it could take months or years, I just must reach there and I will. I don’t mind to be the last reaching my dream as long as I could reach it before I die. And, I will have my biggest smile when I cross the finish line, when I reach my dream. I will smile and enjoy it the most even if I could only enjoy it for 1 hour. Because, it is not about which or what dreams I achieve but it is about how I reach my dreams and what I learn along the way. This is what most people often forget: to live in the dream.


It is not about how HIGH you fly, it is about how you fly HIGH


After we’re tired, we closed the day with a big portion of fish and chips for each of us. I don’t know if I would meet them again in this life. That day could be our last day because even God does not know what is gonna happen to me. If we never see each other again, I would like to wish AS and NK the very best of luck and hopefully that day would be a memorable one.


P.S: I don’t wish AJR because I will meet her again in the next week few months.

P.S.S: I need to go back on my study madness now. I can’t fail again because I must graduate next year 😀


Fly High!

With Love,