I AM BACK! Finally.

It’s been a while since my last story. Lots of things happened but one full month of examination certainly didn’t help my mood to share them. Anyway, I’m here and about to tell my adventurous stories. Let’s begin from the most recent one.

This is a story about my latest examination day 2 days ago (Saturday, 18th June 2011). It was a paediatrics repeat exam. what a shame I was hit by a panic mode when I attended the DVD Exam. I went blackout in that station and that cost me 1 month of summer and the whole summer holiday. I have planned to have 1 month holiday before I start 2 electives and continue my final year. It initially only cost a week but they made alterations on the schedule and so I will only finish my exam by July 6th! This is the longest period of examination I have ever done in life! Though it has an advantage to prepare the better and hopefully I will not have a moment of another blackout with ‘I don’t know’ answers anymore, so I will join my batch to the ultimate year of medical school. Bah! How cool is that!?

Back to the doomsday story. I spent the whole last week just to repeat reading my Paediatrics in a Page book. I didn’t manage to finish reading everything again as my mental strength deteriorated from day to day because the reduced sleeping hours. It was very weird actually when my concentration dropped so badly 2 days before the exam and it became much worse on Friday night when my landlord came over to tell me that I might probably need to leave the house. It is another disaster for me. I just hate moving houses especially in the exam period like this. Anyway, what to do? I couldn’t find a new housemate.

After I heard that news, I became confused and I had no energy to absorb any more knowledges. I almost gave it up. Luckily, the sense of finishing medical school sooner was stronger. I went on bed with the hope that I have done enough to score at least 45% of the written exam. I have never slept the night before exam in the last 6 years. But, I could not push any more that night. I then woke up about 2 hours before the exam. I took a shower. I felt so exhausted. If you ever had a hot shower after a football match, then you know how I felt. I then left the house about 45 minutes before the exam started. I was with my friend who stayed over night to discuss few topics.

Because I felt exhausted and had no energy, I then drank 500 ml Monster Khaos with Ginseng and Taurine. After I emptied the can, I started to feel lived up. I became high and excited. I made few jumps at the bus stop. Suddenly, on the third jump, I twisted my right ankle. That right ankle has injured before. It cracked with a ‘pop’ sound and hurt like mad. I tried to balance myself but I could not stand up right. I was so scared that I have broken my ankle. I held on to a pole trying to support my body from falling over. Suddenly, I felt something was not right. I felt the world is shaken. I saw wavy roads and my visual fields started to reduce. I told my friend that I needed to sit down. I sat down on the bench at the bus stop. I was afraid I missed the bus. I still managed to see my watch that time was 8:55 am before I closed my eyes. I could hear my friends told me to head down but I could not do it. I felt like I needed to lie down. I asked my friend if it is okay for me to have an exam later on in the afternoon. I could not hear what my friend said. His voice was so far away. Knowing that I would miss and mess the exam, I became more in panic. I felt like I almost lose it. My memories started to slow down. I could not think of anything. I could not remember anything. Fortunately, a very fortunate enlightenment arrived into my brain. Meditation that I have learnt throughout my life has finally become such an important thing. I realised that I could not let my brain shut down and I have to keep it up as long as possible.

Time ticked down closer to the exam. My condition became worse. I felt like dying. I felt numb and cold on my legs and hands. All I could feel just my breath and heart beat. I tried to calm my self down. I shouted in my mind, “I must not die today! NOT TODAY! NOT IN IRELAND AND NOT AT THE BUS STOP!” I tried to take few deep breaths and meditated. Within the next few seconds, I got better. I felt sweats around my face. I could feel blood streams down my body. I woke up from the death for the third time of my life! I opened my eyes right when the bus arrived. We hopped on and went to the exam hall. I finally became normal again in the bus. Then I had a big laugh of what just happened. I defeated the death once again.

We arrived in my college just 5 minutes before the exam started. I felt fresh but my ankle hurt like hell. It still hurts and bit swollen until today. Perhaps, I would need to get them checked because this is the second time and I just injured the left one two months ago. Since I injured the left ankle, I could not run properly. My Achilles tendons hurt whenever I run. I could not run with big steps too. Now, both of them get numb easily. I hope I won’t lose my ankles. I need them to play football.

This story taught me something really big. I now understand that whatever happens I should never give up. Not a bit. If I could defeat the death just because I wanted to sit the exam and become a doctor in a year, I could not see myself not achieving what I have dreamt for many years. When people give up, they will think whether they should do it and if it is worth. They take a lot of time just to discourage themselves. The ending could be positive or negative depending on how much discouragement they could think of. On the other hand, I have proven that it only needs 1 second, just 1 second, to actually turn your lame discouragements into one enlightenment. Within that 1 second, you could beat everything you wanna beat, even the death. We are all gonna die one day, but we should think a way how we would like to die. I certainly know how I want it to be, and it is definitely not because of panic attack at the bus stop.

 

There is a song that reminds me of a great courage to rise from the death. It is the soundtrack of 127 hours. This movie has become my favourite because the moral behind the story. I have to thank Aron Ralston for this. He has become one of my inspirations.

IF I RISE
In your life, your mad
In your car, your sad
O’ your taller now I’ve found
Hold your fire course
O’ your fallen out
Go and sow your courses

If I rise, they are on my drive
If I believe, it’s more than it is
More than it is

If I rise, one more chance
All our dreams, more than this
O’ your taller now I’ve found
Hold your fire course
O’ your fallen out
Go and sow your courses

If I rise, they are on my drive
If I believe, it’s more than it is
It’s more than it is

If I thought I wanted more
Get the life more
Just one more call
Though I’ve never lost
Believe I don’t care
Never again

If I rise, they are on my drive
If I believe, it’s more than it is
It’s more than it is

If I thought I wanted more
Get the life more
Just one more call

If I believe, there’s more than this
Anymore than this

– DIDO & AR RAHMAN –

 

If death isn’t scared as it’s always been, life would be more appreciated and wonderful.

 

Shall we delete ‘give up’ from the dictionary of life? I have deleted mine. How about you?

Live your dreams.

With Love,

eldios©

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