Today is my 24th Christmas of my life. Each of them has been celebrated in a different way with a different theme. Last year, I was in Sunderland, United Kingdom, celebrated it together with some friends. We had a good Christmas Eve party ended with some silly but fun game. Two years ago, I was in Notre Dame de Paris. I went there on a very nice sunny Christmas day with my younger sister. The story can go long as it is different from year to year, but there is one most memorable Christmas day of my life. It was my Christmas 10 years ago.

Ten years ago, on Christmas day, I was on a road trip around Central and East Java with my family for our Christmas holiday. We went to Semarang and Surabaya. To be honest, I did not enjoy much of the holiday. There was a distraction in my mind while I made the trip. I just fell in love with a girl in my class. She sits right beside me in the class. We shared the same table. I was not sure what I was supposed to do as it was our last year together in Junior High School. I and her will go to different schools and obviously make it difficult for me to approach her closer. On one day I was optimist, on the other I felt hopeless. We were good friends and close enough but it was just a friend. I wanted it more than just a ‘friend’.

During this road trip, I started to write a diary for the first time. I wrote song lyrics that picture my feelings or I made my own poems. I shared everything to my diary and it was only between me and my diary. The diary continues, the feeling never fades even for a second. I called her almost every single day, pretending to ask about lectures. Most of the time, I borrowed her homework book pretending to copy it. I just feel happy to be there with her.

Time flew unnoticed. It was suddenly the end of my Junior High School. We had to separate our ways and I had not been able to tell her my feelings. My life went into the so-called miserable. Being in a different Senior High School make us loss of contacts. Somehow half a year later, the destiny let us met again. We were in the same english lesson center but we’re in different classes. My class was just before hers. I often stayed longer on purpose to just see her passing by for a second. After few months, I finished my course there and I did not continue as I switched to German course as I planned to go to Germany for my study (You would not trust me how I now wished to study in Germany). Since then, I never met her anymore. However, her face and voice are always around me. I often dreamt of her. I became frustrated because I could not find a way to reach her. I felt it was just silly to call her suddenly. Beside, I did not know what to talk with her. In fact, I never knew. That was and is still my problem. I have difficulty to talk to someone I love. Thus, my life went from bad to worse. I dropped some points in class and fell from top 10. So, one day, I decided that it had to be stopped. I felt so stupid as she did not even know I love her that much and I was failing my life. Then I tried to forget her and tried to be more religious (Believe me, religion is not the answer for your miserable love story). The courage to let her go from my mind was so huge and so when there was an opportunity with another girl, I gave it a try. I spent 4 years but, to be honest (this is very honest and no one knew it before), the feeling about her kept shadowing me. Not once or twice I dreamt of her while I was in a relationship. When I let the feeling got over my mind, I tried to change my ex to be someone I wanted, but obviously it failed terribly. After 4 years, I decided to end my relationship for a different good reason, it has nothing to do with the girl I like in my Junior High School. Six months after I broke up, I met the girl from my Junior High School again and all those memories of sweet love I kept myself flashed into my mind. I fell in love again with the same girl that has always been staying in my heart conscious and unconsciously. Why did I say it was also unconsciously? Because some parts of me, I believed still in love with her although I might not have realized it.

Today is Christmas Day. Ten years have gone but I am still in love with someone, I am still unable to talk much with someone I love, and I still love the same girl I love ten years ago. The feeling is the same, but it is more mature compared to 10 years ago as I know what I want and can give to her, while I did not know anything 10 years ago. The only similarity is the fact I still can not find a way to tell her that I love her because I do not know if she feels the same way as I do. I realized it is a risk to take, but I need more assurance that she feels the same way, because to lose her is a loss even as a friend. Hopefully, I could tell her one day despite what her answer will be. I will tell her that I loved her before and I still love her now. Hopefully, I will not be too late to say “I love you, doubleyou. Much. Wholeheartedly.”

 

I love you, doubleyou.

With Love,

eldios©

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