This isn’t a grief. This is a statement.

“4 wasted years”

The term above has been such a controversial, sometimes annoying to other people. While everyone is assuming I’m just being childish and never grow up, I have kept the reason for using that term myself. No one knows what actually it means. Some of my friends have asked me in person for the reason but I refused to explain in full detail and claimed it as my right to name parts of my life as I want it. Not even my family or best friends know the reason I claim those 4 years as ‘wasted’. Some of them may know briefly but not in full detail for sure. Well, it is worth reading if you haven’t known the reason. It is also important for me to explain this before I post my stories in the future to avoid any discomfort towards any human being. Please clear your thought from any negative content before you continue.

First of all, I have to admit that the 4 years I referred is the period when I was in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Some people then will ask me but you seemed happy when you were there. Yes, I was happy. I enjoyed the time. So, why is it called ‘wasted’ now? This term ‘4 wasted years’ is never intended towards anybody. It was about me and only me. I felt that in that 4 years I wasted my time, but it is not wasted because I was with my ex. She certainly did nothing. It was just me and my stupidity. Am I saying that it was wrong that I chose her? No, but it was a wrong decision to be in a relationship at that time despite who the girl was. It is a fact that I was not mature enough to have a girlfriend. I wasn’t ready and my parents were not ready. This behaviour was the main reason it ended up as ‘wasted years’.

Since I made the decision, I thought I was already a mature man back then but the fact said no. I was still under protection of my parents. They were watching me all the time and they did not like what i did. It leaded the family relationship became torn apart. My father got angry most of the time and I tried to keep my relationship on my hand. No one knows what happened in the house, car, or even a restaurant between my father and me. We were like enemy on the same boat. Those days were like nightmares for me. It was never a tasteful feeling. My parents became more and more cautious. They put more strict rules from day-to-day. I became uncomfortable in the house. They blocked my access to my ex by seizing my mobile phone. They sabotaged each call I make on the house phone. They disconnect the house phone in the living room which means I could only make calls from their room where the other phone is. What they did more or less made an impact on my social life. I could not contact my friends and when I got the access I only contacted my ex. I lost my friends. I got less time to hang out with my friends. All my free time I spent with my ex. I don’t blame them for making me to have no friends. It was my fault since the beginning and it was all my decision at each time.

I was always in between my family and my ex. I took 4 years to try to unite them but in the end I had to make a choice because they were never to be united. They just dislike each other. When I gave up in February 2007, I could not cope anymore. There was no one I could talk with. My parents and my sisters hated me to the highest limit. My parents never made a single telephone call when I studied in Penang if my sister went back to Jakarta. I was left alone in Penang. I fought many times arguing to my sister trying to change her perceptions towards my ex. Not a rare incident when I left the apartment in anger because of the fight. My elder sister stopped talking to me unless in a very important issue from September 2005 until September 2007. My younger sister hated me so much for my uncontrolled emotion in the family and she always thought I was on my ex side more than my family. She hated me and still hates me until today, until this moment while I’m typing. I’m not a good brother anymore in her mind-set, never ever I’ll be a good one. I’m very sad to know this because I know what she does when she is annoyed with me. My ex could never understand the situation but wanted my family to accept her as what she is, for obvious reason. At one stage, I was offered ‘to leave the family’ or ‘to leave the girl’. I did not answer but I kept trying for few more months after the offer but no one would lose their pride. I was the only one to make a decision.

February 2007. I was home sick in Ireland. I was alone in my apartment. It was a windy winter. My family never replied my call. They never called me. I lost my family. I tried to find people to talk with, but I realised I had no friends. All 4 years I spent talking with my ex only because of the limited time. At that time, some of my friends have even forgot who I am. Those were friends from my senior high school. That was really hurt, I lost my friends. I got no one except my ex to talk with. (The next few sentences are really hard to write because I never want to remember about that day). During that period, my ex became more and more busier with her study. She ran out of credit most of the times. I ran out of my savings to make any extra calls because sms was not the best way. MSN, YM, whatever messenger you name it, they were useless as she claimed she got limited time per month for internet usage. Time difference made the case even more complicated. It was really hard days for me. I had no many friends in the college because I was entering my second semester. I have not known many students. I was lost. I had no one to talk.

18 February 2007 was the day I realised that everything had been wrong since the beginning. I was not supposed to have any relationship yet. That lead to my failure in the relationship. I wasted 4 years of my life ending with nothing. I had no family and no friends. It was a really hard decision. I broke down at the night I made the decision. I talked to someone I trusted before I made a final decision. He told me,”I was once in your condition. When things could not be handled anymore, we have to know the time to leave it. It is hard but in the end I married someone else while she married another man. That doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. It’s just a different love. We’re still friends and visit each other sometimes.” His words convinced me to make a huge step in my life. I finally decided to end the relationship.

After the relationship ended, I had a new chapter to begin with. I have lost lots of friends and I am too far away from Jakarta to reunite with them. Until today, I only manage to keep in touch less than 30 friends. However, on top of everything, I got to regain the trust in the family. My elder sister was the easier as she understood what I have been going through. My parents are getting back into a close relationship with me. Better trusts between us have been developed in the last 2 years and I have achieved great improvements. The least progression is my younger sister. I lost her. She was the closest one to me. I used to share most of my stories to her and I ruined everything. I’m not a bad guy, never ever will be a good one in her mind. Therefore, I start to lose hopes that I will have the sister I had before the year of 2002. Although I do hope I will.

All the above is the reason I claimed it as ‘4 wasted years’. Because it was a wasted for me, for my family and my ex. No one benefited from that 4 years. It is like a world war, no body wins anything. That is why I will always remember those years as wasted and I will be using it forever to remind me 1 thing. I must always be cautious and ready before I make any decision that could make a big change in my life, such as relationship.

The next question probably is whether I loved my ex during that 4 years. YES, I did. I still loved her when I broke up with her. I even had to lie when she was in Melbourne by telling her I had already have a new girl friend and it was impossible for me to come back. It was never a true story. I had to lie to make her hate me and move on. (I have successfully made her hates me I believe). Whatever the reason and questions she gave me, I denied. It was really hard to say no but I had to stand on my decision and not to make any more mistakes. Because I was not ready to have another relationship. However, I could end the feeling just few months after the break-up. One friend ever asked why it looks so easy. It wasn’t easy at all, it was because I was pretty much under pressure and I had prepared for some time before I made the decision. That probably explained why it looked like I was so bad by leaving her just like that, while the fact isn’t the same as it’s seen.

Furthermore, people might ask if I was happy with her. YES, for most times I was happy. Many people could still tell about it. That probably the reason most people hated me for leaving my ex and decided to keep a distance from me. However, for certain times, especially at night when I am in between my family and my ex, it was never a good feeling. I can say I thought I had a great relationship but it had to come an end. It was simply impossible. Why is it impossible for me to fight further more? Many reasons I considered for it. The main reason is because I’m the only son. I have many responsibility to continue the heritage. I can’t disappoint my family and ruin them who has raised me for 20 years. Second, I thought and still believe it was the best decision for everyone. Everyone lost but it was the best decision.

Therefore I conclude the behind the scene of my 4 wasted years. It was not a blame to my ex. It was not to my family too. It was my fault in the beginning that I took a risk of something I was not ready. In the end I lost everything because whatever I did and decided were wrong. I have to emphasize it was not wrong because who my girl friend was but it was wrong because I could not handle it, and it ended as wasting of time for all of us. It was going nowhere and it would just come to the same question: “Family or Girlfriend?”

I chose my family. What’s yours? Whatever your is just don’t make the mistake I did. Be cautious and ready before you make a big step in your life.

N.B: I have to admit it is very difficult for me to reveal this because some of the stories I did not want people to know but I got to reveal it at one stage. I think the time has come and I’m ready to take this risk. I tried not to remember some events happened during that period. Therefore, I still edited around 20% from the full story. I’m sorry because those 20% should be my secret and only certain people should know. However, this 80% of the story should give you a detailed picture of the reason I call it ‘4 wasted years’.

Peace.

With Love,

eldios©

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