I heard this song in the last night of my Christmas trip to the United Kingdom. It was not a good day for me and I made my friend’s day became a bad one also. She did not deserve that and I was a childish disappointing man. I acted wrongly the whole day and regret is all I can do until today. When she went to bed, she requested my sister to turn on this song from her laptop. I was sitting in the darkness with my laptop when this song was played. Somehow, I almost had my tears dropped. That was the time I knew that I was totally wrong. Sad was not the only feeling I felt. I felt useless and worthless as a man and a friend. I did not know what I should do the next morning. I lost my credibility as a ‘good’ friend (I believe I was a good friend) in front of her. All I knew is I must confess to her and take all the responsibilities.

The next morning I had a little conversation with her.

I: *mentioning name*, can I ask a question?

She: Yes?

I: Did I ruin your holiday?

She: No.

I: How about yesterday?

She: I don’t know. You can answer it yourself.

I: ?? (then my sister walked into the room)

That was our last conversation. I caught a sorrow feeling from the expression, a wounded heart. I was left alone in the room. Then I had to prepare myself for returning to Dublin that afternoon. I simply did not have time to confess and apologise to her.

As I said, regret is all I could do. So, when I arrived at my apartment I turned on my laptop and sent her an apology e-mail because I tried to talk over the phone and it simply did not work. I think she could accept and understand my apology. She mentioned that she hopes we are still good. However, until today, I still have this weird feeling, a frightened feeling. I feel that she is avoiding me. Although everything seems okay now, I am still afraid to lose her as a friend. This weird feeling must end somewhere someday but it depends also on her if she could still be she and never avoiding me. *sigh*

Back to the song. Everytime I listen to this song from my playlist I remember her. Then I am sad and afraid. I think I will be assured that we are still good as she mentioned when I see her next time because we were not good that very last day. The problem is I don’t know when I am gonna see her again but I must see her to prove that I am ready to be a better one.

Here is the song sung by Ken Hirai.

ELEGY

Shigamitsuita senaka ni sotto tsume wo tatete

Watashi wo kizamikonda motto yume no naka e

Hirahira maichiru hanabira ga hitotsu

Yurayura samayoi yukiba wo nakushita

Sono te de sono te de watashi wo yogoshite

Nando mo nando mo watashi wo kowashite

Asebamu samishisa wo kasaneawase

Mabushikute mienai yami ni ochiteku

Itsuka horobiyuku kono karada naraba

Mushibamaretai anata no ai de

Kono yamai ni namae ga areba raku ni nareru

Hamidasu koto ga kowai douka mure no naka e

Hirahira maichiru hanabira ga hitotsu

Yurayura samayoi anata wo mitsuketa

Kono te de kono te de anata wo yogoshite

Nando mo nando mo anata ni oborete

Senaka awase no fuan to yorokobi

Namiuchinagara watashi wo tsukisasu

Itsuka kiete yuku kono omoi naraba

Ima hikisaite anata no ai de

Sono te de sono te de watashi wo yogoshite

Nando mo nando mo watashi wo kowashite

Asebamu samishisa wo kasaneawase

Mabushikute mienai yami ni ochiteku

Itsuka horobiyuku kono karada naraba

Mushibamaretai anata no ai de

Watashi wo yogoshite sono te de sono te de

– Ken Hirai –
P.S: I like this song quite much. This was not because she likes it but it is more because I like it when I heard it. This is also the second Japanese song that I really really like after Namidairo.

P.S.S: I hope all the weird feelings and thoughts I have are wrong. *cross fingers* I hope all of these just a miscommunication due to a barrier in the communication as she does not have a phone number during her trip. In addition, these might be due to the stress I have over my incoming examination.

P.S.S.S: If it turned out to be true, I did not know what I should do but I would stand by her as my best ever friend because I have known her for more than half of my life.

P.S.S.S.S: I hope she missed me by any chances. Although I know it is impossible.

In the feeling of missing a friend.

With Love,

eldios©

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