A Little Kindness

Five days ago, it was a total mad day for me. I woke up late in the morning and rushed to the office because there was a new staff ought to be trained by me. Arriving in my office, I found out the new staff had tried to be a smart one while she proved me as a smart ass. She ruined the system I have implemented for months. I almost exploded but tried harder to be calm.

Done with the morning training, I saw my mom’s eyes turned red and looked infected. So, I decided to bring her to see a doctor. The ophthalmologist clinic was about to end in an hour time and the clinic is about an hour driving time from my office. But, I had to try. I raced through the highway and lucky enough to arrive just 5 minutes before the clinic ended.

When we were back in the office, my mom asked me to take over her job that day which is to calculate the employee salaries. When I was doing it, my dad confused me because he called the employee one by one while I had not finished calculating and prepared the money. I ended up re-calculate numerous times to ensure the balance is right. I finished it just before I had to go to my cousin’s place because we had an appointment.

I ran down the stairs, started the car engine, drove out the garage, to the toll gate…

10 meters before I reached the gate, I realized that I forgot to withdraw some money. So, I had no cash in my wallet. Well, I had very few. By very few I meant 1 piece of 2000 Rupiah bank note which is equivalent to less than 20 cents US Dollars. LOL! The toll charge is 7000 Rupiah. But, I remained calm because in all our cars we have a e-toll card (electronic card payment for the toll). I gave the card to the man and he returned it to me, “Sorry, Sir, the amount is not enough.” Dang!!!

I opened my wallet and tried to hope, I literally tried, that I would find some money. But, THIS AIN’T FAIRY TALES! I told him that I had to go to withdraw some money first, so I had to reverse. He did not allow me to do so as he reasoned there was a long queue behind me. I asked, “So, what to do now? I just drive through?” He answered, “No. You can’t do that. You can leave something and come back to pick it up later.” I refused, “What do you want me to leave behind? My ID or Driving License? Would you pay for the penalty charge if I got checked by the police and found out I am driving without license or ID?” He started to cooperate and asked his colleague to call the security to move the cars behind me to the other gates.

But, then I looked at my side mirror, the security took something from the man inside the car behind me. The security man was holding a piece of 5000 Rupiah and 2000 Rupiah. He gave it to the man at the gate and asked me to drive through, I asked him why. He said, “The man behind paid for you.” I told him, “Said thanks to him.” I then waved to the car behind me and drove through the gate.

I was surprised that there is still someone who cared for others. Perhaps the man behind me thought it is a small matter and that money is a small thing and he should just pay it so he can pass the toll gate faster too. But to me, it was a huge kindness to help others from him. I prayed for him after I passed the gate, I wished him a happiness throughout his life. It is not whether I can’t afford to pay or what, but it’s about helping others, just like you help your friends when he asked you to do some simple thing, not because they can’t do it but just to ease them.

If we could afford this kindness just to help people around us, no matter if we know them personally or not, we could help each other and I believe we will achieve something big for us and them.

This story reminded me when I was jogging in Dublin in one afternoon. I only had 6 Euro coins in my pocket, because I only prepared it buy some drinks if I needed. Then an old lady with a walking aid called me before I crossed the road to my home. She told me, “Young man, do you have some money? I need some because my daughter is in the hospital and I don’t have any money to buy some food for my granddaughter.” She pointed to a young girl. I reached my pocket and gave her all the coins I had. I said, “This is all I have at the moment.” Tears streamed down from her eyes,”Thank you, young man.” The happiness I felt that moment was wonderful. Yes, we could presume she was just faking but I was thinking positive and I believed she was in need, so I gave her and thought positively. I have a rule for myself in doing this kindness. If I don’t believe or I think negatively before I do it, then it’s better I don’t do it at all, because it won’t be a merit.

There is another story. Three years ago, I was walking to my friend’s house to pick up books, it was raining heavily like a monsoon rain in Dublin. I saw an old lady fell down in the middle of the road and it was a green light for the cars. I was lucky there were not many cars at that time, so I could run to help her. I helped her to stand up and I saw bloods dripping from her forehead, so I helped her to cross the road to the pharmacy across the road to get an ambulance. The first car did not want to stop. Luckily there was a kind heart from the second car, an old man stopped his car and allowed us to cross. I waited until the ambulance arrived and the paramedic banded her head. The paramedic took her on the ambulance. Before she went on to the ambulance, she kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand, she whispered, “Thank you, young man. You’re a really kind man. Thank you. I’ll pray to the God for you.” I smiled, “God bless you too and take care yourself.”

Happiness does not come from travelling to countries we have dreamt for ages or winning lotteries. Happiness come from our surroundings on daily basis. Happiness can come from anything, everything, or everyone. All you need to do is to put some loving kindness in your life. If we could make a chain of kindness among us, we will attain the eternal happiness. So, don’t wait to do something kindful. Just do it.

P.S: for the man who paid for my toll fee on Tuesday 2nd April 2013 at 8pm at the Kemayoran Toll Gate, I wish you the greatest happiness in your life. Thank you for your kindness.

P.S.S: It was my sister’s car I was driving. Damn her for making me shameful with the incident but thank her that I learnt something from it too.

1. Put some kindness in your life.
2. Help others, serve others.
3. DON’T FORGET TO BRING MONEY IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH THE TOLL GATE.

Loving in Kindness,
eldios©

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The Right Effort

Yesterday was one of the most enlightening days in my life. I had waited for years to finally attend his talk. I have read his books, listened to his preaches on youtube, looked for his quotes, etc, etc, etc. All those have directly or indirectly transformed me to who I believe a better man than 5 or 10 years ago. His teachings opened my eyes through my mind shaking my heart. His teachings guided me through difficulties I had, to survive mental tests from destiny and surroundings. I might not the perfect one yet, but I’m learning through him, his teachings and his happiness.

Yesterday he told me the best teaching about right effort to the happiness from his Master.

Everything you do, do it 100%. If you’re sweeping the floor, sweep 100%. If you’re sleeping, sleep 100%. That is the right effort - Ajahn Brahm.

When he said that, it seemed that I have known it for my entire life, but have I really done it? Don’t we still often to mix up between thoughts and feelings, making everything complicated, stressful, unhappy, sorrowful resulting in anger, hatred, and greed? That’s because we did not do it rightfully. I realized that if I did something 100%, focus and mindful, I’m sure there is no places in me for those feelings to interrupt. We would be so focused on the matter that we don’t really care about those feelings. This is the first step towards happiness.

We might not agree on what the meaning of life is, but I’m sure everyone wants to be happy.

Another thing Ajahn mentioned was

If you want to be healthy, then exercise. If you want to be happy, then laugh, smile. If you’re angry, open your heart, welcome the anger, then you’re not angry anymore.

And if we still hold on to those miserable feelings or to deny that we’re happy with life while we’re not. Then the key for happiness is only one. It is “put it down”. Put down those feelings, put down all your heavy bulky thoughts, put down your miseries.

Lastly, the best quote for me yesterday was

Whatever you can do it tomorrow, don’t do it today. Because you might die tonight.

 

I felt so happy, felt being reborn, enlightened with Ajahn’s teaching yesterday. It was simple. It was everything that we actually know beyond our head, but we never really practice it. We hear, we understand, we leave, and we forget. That’s how people, most people I should say, do. That’s why I post this, to urge people to be happy. I’m not asking anyone to be Buddhists or to believe in Ajahn Brahm, but I’m sharing to everyone that if each of us could start the right effort, then we might find what we’ve been looking for, happiness and peaceful.

I remembered a quote by one of my favorite singer and songwriter, a legend who was inspirational to me although he was shot dead in New York before I even heard about him. But one day, I read he wrote:

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. - John Lennon

The funny thing is I once too answered that I want to be happy when I grew up. That was long before I heard about John and this quote.

 

KINDFULNESS. It’s being kind and mindful at the same time. – Ajahn Brahm

With Love,

eldios©

W. The Girl I Love The Most

The Postgirl

 

Everything began about 13 years ago, roughly about 3 months after I moved to a new school, I was supposed to make friends but somehow I made some enemies instead. Someone was jealous because I was close to a girl in my new class then he made some gossips about me and the girl. She got upset and eventually kept a distance from me. I never had a chance to explain, so I sent her a letter through a friend. I just wanted to apologize if I had made any mistakes although I was certain I never said anything wrong.

 

It was a sunny afternoon during my break I was sitting alone in the corridor in front of my class. I was just looking empty across the basketball court to the green wall at the other end. All of sudden someone called me. Two girls stood behind me. One is quite tall, the other is not that tall.

 

“Hey, you are Ed, right?” asked the shorter girl.

“Yes, and you are…” I replied.

“We’re A’s friends. She just asked us to pass you this.” The girl gave me a letter.

“Well, thank you.” I said while I put it in my pocket.

 

The two girls who passed the letter then left me alone again. They looked like best friends. I had no clue at all who they were. All I knew they entered the classroom beside mine and that is about it. I did not even remember to ask for their names, but the shorter girl really attracted my eyes.

 

A Bottle of Mineral Water

 

Nine months later.  New class, new friends, new beginning.

 

As I always did, at my first day in my new class, I always sit alone at the right back corner. I liked to see those new friends passing by. But, on that day, something was different. The two girls I met a year ago entered the classroom. The shorter girl stunned me right from the second she entered the classroom. I didn’t move my eyes even for a second. I followed her moves until she sat beside her taller friend. I’m sorry I didn’t know their names yet. I was such a quite boy who never introduced myself to someone I never met. But, I didn’t care about her name yet. I was so focussed on this girl who stunned my eyes and made my heart tremble. Love at first sight? Probably. The second sight confirmed it definitely.

 

3 months passed by. I found out her name when the teacher called her. She was one of the most important girls in the class because she was one of the smartest in the class. I admired her so much in the class. I wanted to talk to her but I was so afraid and shy. So, I waited for the right time or perhaps for an incident that made me talk to her.

 

Finally the most waited moment arrived when our class had a retreat trip. I was ordered by the teacher to give a bottle of water to each student. No, I didn’t talk when I passed her the mineral water, but I stood next to her sit after finishing my job. I drank my water then I put the empty bottle on the seat pocket in front of her.

 

“HEY!” she shouted.

I turned my head and saw her, “Yes?”

“This is not a rubbish bin. Is there no rubbish bin? Why don’t you throw it there? Throw your bottle into the bin, not here.” she ordered me with her high notes.

“Okay.. I’m sorry. No need to get angry.” I stupidly followed her. I took the empty bottle with me.

“Your fault..!” she insisted.

 

I returned to my seat at the back of the bus. That feeling I felt was weird. I was just being blamed by someone I never spoke with but I felt so fine. It was not myself that I knew at all.

 

From that moment, during the retreat, I always tried to look for a chance to get to know her better. Until the priest made a game which everyone should not talk during the retreat, if someone wants to talk to someone else, that person must send a letter to the other person mailbox. I was a boy who doesn’t speak much in class or anywhere. I never had the nerve to speak to someone I never knew before. So, I thought the game could help me in a way because I don’t need to speak directly. Indeed it helped me much. I got some friends through this game. One of them is now one of my best friends.

 

These are the letters she sent me 13 years ago:

That incident when I scolded you because you put an empty mineral water bottle at my seat. You were crazy

Hallo! Morning! Thanks you have cared for me. I cried indeed. Ehm..

Argh.. you’re ridiculous. you like to mock others! Yak! That’s it. Thanks.

Since then we became friends. We then got to know each other more after the retreat, when we were paired to sit together on same table. It was one of the happiest periods in my life. I meant who would not be so happy to sit beside the girl you admire every single day. Although she did not know I admired her so much. She probably would never know.

 

Homework

 

Learning about her personality was really interesting for me. Sitting next to her gave me a lot of chances to get closer to her, but I was just a little boy who was not among top students and did not have any good interpersonal skills especially with a girl who I admired too much.

 

Then I learnt my way to find one or more reasons just to speak with her. I called her every night to ask her to teach me about any subjects through the phone. I asked her about things I didn’t understand or even answers for my homework, although most of them were just fake calls. I just did it for the sake to talk to her outside school. I borrowed her books to copy down her answers although most times I have done my homework the night before when I had the extra lessons at home.

 

I did this until one day her mom answered the phone instead of her. She warned me that she thought it was quite disturbing for her daughter that I called almost every day. She explained her daughter daily activities and how my calls disrupted the schedule. So, I was requested to reduce it. Since it was close enough to the final exam, I just did it because I thought it would be the best for the two of us.

 

Birthday Party

 

One day I was invited to her birthday party at her house. I didn’t know what to bring as a gift. I took days to decide what to buy. I even could not decide it until the very last minute.

 

That Sunday morning, I went to practice football in my club. I took a shower after the training, and then I went to the mall. I still remember how empty the mall was at 11 in the morning. Some stores have not even opened yet. I walked passing by store by store to see what I could and had enough money from my savings to buy. After about an hour, I bought a small Dalmatian toy. I just had enough for that.

 

When I arrived at her house, I felt so awkward honestly. I did not know most of her friends there. I only knew those who had been in the same class with me before. Few things I remember from that party is when her father made a joke of me and one girl insisted she wanted to watch the start of Formula 1 race before we left to play games in a small garden across her house. They played a small kick-a-ball game after they knew I got a ball in the car. I somehow stupidly kicked the ball and hit one of her best friends. That was plain stupid of me.

 

I might not talk much on that day but it was the happiest day for me. No matter how awkward I was but that day remains in my thought for a very long time.

 

Graduation

 

Our graduation came closer, faster than I ever expected. Our class prepared a show to be played on our farewell event. Ten of the students in the class joined the team, including me and W. I was in so much disappointment when I was not paired up with W. The jealousy flowed inside my mind whenever I saw her dancing with another guy.

 

There is a little story about our practice session. One day, some of us were too lazy to practice. So, we cancelled it with others by giving them hundreds of reasons. However, we just lied with those reasons. Five of us who ran from the practice actually went to W’s house. We just hang out there.  We wanted to go for a swim but the sky did not allow us, so we played under the rain instead at her garden. We played till we were so tired and then all of us just sat down on the sofa in the end. We stayed there until the end of the day. I was the last one to leave because I had to wait until off office hour for my driver to pick me up.

 

On the day of our graduation, I asked a friend of mine who did not join the performers to take a photo for our performance. Somehow, he took it right focused on her. It might be a coincidence, but I don’t really care. It was just a perfect gift for my graduation. I still keep that photo until today. I can’t post it here for confidentiality.

 

First Try

 

After our graduation, I never heard from her anymore. Until one Sunday afternoon, she called me. I was so surprised, so delighted. She asked me if I wanted to go for an event in her new school. At first, I thought she was asking me to go with her. I was so enthusiastic with that. I asked for all details. Until the end she asked me if I wanted to buy the tickets from her. Because she had bought a ticket for herself, unfortunately she could not go, so she was asking me. I said I would buy it from her but I would not go because I don’t even know a person there.

 

Few months went by, I never heard anything again from her nor did I ever meet her. Somehow faith seems reunited us. I saw her passing when I was waiting to be picked up after my English course. She did not notice me at all, but I was so sure it was her. The stunning moment when I had the year before was very similar to this one.

 

I waited her to see the following week again just to be sure. Indeed, it was her. I with my palpitating hearts and mumbling mouth tried hard to talk to her. We met right when I opened the door about to leave the building while she was about to enter. We talked for a bit then we took our ways.

 

Weeks after, with so much of courage, I tried to confess to her about my feeling although I knew it would go in a bad way, but I thought there is nothing wrong to try. She did not answer it right away. I waited for about 3 weeks before I got an e-mail from her.

 

“I think we should know each other better first, so I’d say no this time.”

 

That mail broke my heart. I could still feel that pain until today. I almost went crazy. I had no friends to talk, I could not even talk it with my family. I felt so miserable and depressed for quite long. I could not forget her at all. Ten months after, my grandmother passed away and it made everything even worse. I even had a thought to leave a layman life. I wanted to be a monk. January 2002 was the first time love betrayed me. I had all faith in love but it just did not happen, but I did not blame anyone, not her, not anyone, only me, myself. I was just not a good enough boy for her.

 

~End of part 1~

 

With Love,

eldios©

Villain

Have you ever loved someone with all whole your heart?
Someone who will make you smile just by imagination
Someone who you want to be by your side
Someone who keep your heart warm and comfort
Even when you almost never see them

Have you ever witnessed one true love?
About love that is unbreakable
About someone who would do everything
Just to be with their lovers
About someone who would sacrifice
Just because of one reason, love

Love might not make any senses
Make people to think absurd
To be more brave than before
To do the unthinkable
Or something we think plain and stupid
For them it is a fight, a game, a battle

They would do every single thing
They would not count the risk
They would kill
They would die
Like they have nothing to lose
They just don’t want to lose their lovers
They don’t want their love to die
They keep it tight in them
Hold it strong like a soul
Sleep with it
Eat with it
Live with love

But often these stories are laughable
Absurd and mad, people might think off
That we’d rather get rid of them
Sack them out of our world
Cursing those lovers as a villain
As if loving is a crime
While for some, love is just their life
Love is something they can’t lose
That they would rather lose their life

Do you still witness this love?
Or we have used to laugh on those love believers?
That in our lives love no longer flaming
And we with our ego has become so cold
Like a villain.

Jakarta, 9 March 2013
Ed Wongso©

From a villain,
eldios©

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Sound Of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seed while I was sleeping
And the vision..
That was planted in my brain
Still remains..
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
Split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousands people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools,” said I, “You do not know.”
“Silence’s like a cancer grows.”
“Hear my words that I might teach you.”
“Take my arms that I might reach you.”
“But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed…
In the wells of silence.”

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sound of silence

Simon & Garfunkel©

A legendary song that brings me back many memories. The only song that I could play on piano. The song that pictures the world today. How we care less with people around us as the time takes us into our ego. And that we often forget those around us, who need us, until we lose them for sometimes maybe forever. No, I am not talking about people living on riverside or roadside, but those under the same roof as us, probably with the same surname, or one who grows up together, and look how often we forget them because we are too busy with our ego to take few seconds to realize that they hide in their wells of silence. No one knows they are alone when they are not.

Depression never speaks or even whispers by itself.

With Love,
eldios©

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The Smile That Crush The Heart

They said it is Valentine
When two sanes are in one line
They said it is love
While all I had was just for laugh

The sun rose
Shining like it never before
The dark came
Fighting like it was right

Come and go
Leave and live
I don’t know
It was a gift or just a grief

She came and I was messed
She smiled and I was blessed
When the hope started to grow
Then the pain came to blow

Misteries…
What creatures God has created in her
Miseries
If I have to stay or leave forever

I can’t lie
I just cannot lie
The love is still always there
The happiness when I’m with her

They call it love
Or perhaps obsessions
The reality no one knows
It is such a pain
That she isn’t mine
Or perhaps will never be

Though that on Valentine
When I had one more chance
Sat side by side when we dine
To see her smiles took a dance

They said it is Valentine
When two hearts in one happiness
While all I had was such a pain
And grudge in loneliness
When the loved one was right beside
But seems so far from my sight

When I had to choose my way
To leave in pain
Or to live in obsession
And I chose to love her all the way

Because I can’t lie
Her smiles made me living
Her smiles that once crushed my heart
Because I won’t deny
I love her
I always love her

It’s hard to swallow
To love in pain
Thank God that times allow
To witness her most beautiful smile on Valentine

Happy Valentine

Jakarta, 14 February 2013
-Ed Wongso©-

For W.

Love you,
eldios©

2012 In Memory

2012. What a year. It is now 2 weeks since the new year. I hope it is not too late to see how I did in 2012. Well, I didn’t write any resolution last year. I only had few things that I wanted to achieve. Let’s see if I have got them all done.

http://eldios.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/resolution-2012/

Here is checklist from last year:
1. Finish medical school and become a doctor. – I did.
2. Express and explain myself for people to understand. – It started promising until the day when everything crumbled down again.
3. Get a new pair of shoes and a new gadget. – I didn’t just buy a pair of shoes, in fact I got 4! and I got an ipod.
4. Celebrate Christmas and New Year with a new life companion. – It went miserably with a total failure ending. The saddest story of 2012.
5. Be more peaceful and more happy. – A complete fail.

It seems like I have got half of things I wanted to achieve, overall it didn’t seem too bad, but in fact it wasn’t a bright one either. 2012 was more gloomy and dark. It was a promising year but ended without any happy ending. So, what would I do or hope for 2013? I will tell on my next stop here.

I hope it’s not too late to wish a Happy New Year to everyone.

With Love,
eldios