Cause I have been where you are before and I have felt the pain of losing who you are and I have died so many times, but I am still alive. This is not the end of me, this is the beginning. -Christina Perri
That quote is part of lyrics from Christina Perri’s I believe. That was the song I was listening to when my flight touched down in Malta. I am trying to believe in myself again. I’m trying to rebuild, reshape, remodel myself. I am learning how to love again. I am learning how to live again.
20th June 2014.
I was sick and tired after a long haul flight from home. Lack of sleeps for the previous 4 weeks had really bitten me hard. I woke up that morning and wasn’t sure if I was up for work and get back to the usual heavy days. I still forced myself though.
For the first time in since February, I change my appearance. I wore a new spectacles. I shaved after almost 3 months! I wore a proper shirt, not the typical scrubs. I shocked everyone in the ward that day.
I was thinking that I should be trying to pick up myself back on the track.
We started our ward round at 9 am as usual. Just when we finish up on our first patient, there were a pharmacist walked in with an Asian girl and introduced her to the pharmacist in our team. I couldn’t believe what I saw at that second.
It was a weird feeling when I saw her. My jaw clenched tightly. My heart pumped faster. I suddenly became quite and didn’t say a word. The last time I felt that kind of sensation was on 12th July 2007 when I saw W walked down the stairs in her house. Could I start feeling love again after the last 2 years I abandoned myself? Probably, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m excited.
She is just simply attractive and beautiful.
The whole ward round I kept staring at her. I was not brave at all to start a conversation with her. I just looked at her again and again. I admired how she looks so soft, caring, and pure. She isn’t someone who loves glamorous life or looking for high-end life. She is just simple yet elegant.
At the end of the ward round, I was told by the pharmacist that she is a pharmacy student for 3 months exchange from the UK. I remember how the pharmacist asked if she was single and made fun of me.
As usual, we have a conference after each ward round. I was really waiting to talk with her during the conference although I still didn’t know how to introduce myself to her. I spent the whole ward round trying to figure out how I could start a conversation with her, but the caterpillar in my stomach has just turned into butterflies . However, the pharmacist asked her to skip the conference. I was so disappointed and regretted that I still couldn’t talk with her.
21st June 2014.
Pharmacists are off on Saturday. I was so damn lazy. It was like a typical day before I went home. No excitement. However, the odd thing was when I realized I still did my hair, wore a proper shirt, happy and fun. I went home and cleaned my apartment! I had not touched anything for more than 2 months and I just suddenly picked up brooms and started cleaning up.
22nd June 2014.
Her image came up to my mind repetitively for the whole day. It was like I was smoking weeds (I don’t know how it feels smoking weeds but I presumed it was the same. lol.). I shopped for groceries for the first time in the last 1 year. I planned to cook. I wanted to live and eat more healthy. I did it not for her but I couldn’t deny she excites me.
23rd June 2014.
Tiredness and coughs really hit me hard. I felt I was about to die. However, I still stood up, got out of my bed, and went to work. It was not because of my responsibilities but I did not want to miss the chance of meeting her. I went to work late because I was thinking of skipping a day before I changed my mind.
As soon as I stepped down from the bus, I saw her in the glimpse crossing the road. I chased her. But, as soon as I arrived just 3 meters behind her, I stopped. I stunted and couldn’t call her. I just walked slowly behind her. I was switching my mind whether I should call her or not. I wasted my time but I was nervous!
I didn’t call her in the end because I thought I could see her during the ward round. Unfortunately, I was wrong. The pharmacist was off and she didn’t come with us. I regretted myself wasting a chance.
For the first time in Malta, I cooked a proper meal for myself. It was just simple fried rice. When I broke down 2 years ago, I stopped cooking. I have forgotten how I used to enjoy cooking my meal although I am not a good cook.
24th June 2014.
I didn’t see her. I was disappointed and sad.
25th June 2014.
I again did not see her. I thought I was a fool to believe in it.
I missed her somehow. I just wished I could meet her again and get to know her.
I posted on facebook:
Sometimes chances don’t come twice.
-End of Week 1-