18 Struggles Of Having An Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Shy And Introverted

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

This… this is my soul song, people. This is my Vietnam.

1. You’re not anti-social, you’re selectively social.

2. At any given point, you have one (maybe two) best friends who are your entire life. You’re not a “group of friends” person. You can’t keep up with all that.

3. Social gatherings that are supposed to be “rites of passage” like prom and dances and other such typical nonsense is just… not for you. You don’t understand it. You want nothing to do with it.

4. When you do choose to grace a party with your presence, you are the life of it. You’re dancing on the table and doing body shots until 3 a.m.

5. … You then retreat into three days of complete solitude to recover.

6. You go out of your way to avoid people, but when you inevitably have to interact with them, you make…

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I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else

Oh, I built a world around you
Oh, you had me in a dream,
I lived in every word you said
The stars had aligned
I thought that I found you
And I don’t wanna love somebody else

Oh, we left it all unspoken
Oh, we buried it alive
And now it’s screaming in my head
Oh, I shouldn’t go on hoping
Oh, that you will change your mind
And one day we could start again
Well I don’t care if loneliness kills me
I don’t wanna love somebody else

Oh, I thought that I could change you
Oh, I thought that we would be the greatest story that I tell
I know that it’s time to tell you it’s over
But I don’t wanna love somebody else

- A Great Big World© -

I really don’t know what to do. I love her. I really do. I want to be happy and make her happy. But, she keeps refusing. She keeps asking me to leave. So many reasons she had to deny that I truly love her. Do I really not deserve a chance to love? She mentions it over and over again that she wants me to stop loving her. I always tell her I can’t. Somehow, it makes her upset.

I don’t know what is wrong. Did I just fall in love with a wrong girl again? Why can’t I love her for the sake I am in love?

I am sad. Really sad. Because I never know why she really wants me to stop loving her. What is the reason I can’t love someone? Why does she always insist she would never love me and never want to? Why, oh why?

I was destroyed for years that I was afraid to try to open my heart again. Once I open the door, she comes in and stays. I thought I could something new, but it does not seem to be. I thought this could finally be a happy chapter in this life or this blog at least.

I wish she would change her mind. I wish I could hear her say ‘I love you too’. I wish we could spend some time loving each other even for an hour. So much of wishes I could pray for, but none of them will happen. It is the same old story. I am loving someone to heal the wound that will happen, so when it happens it won’t hurt that much. But she wants the wound from now because she believes so much that I would get back into those depressions.

Time is running out. She is leaving soon and will probably be with the other guy. She would never pick me over him and I knew it from the beginning, but I made a mistake not to confess my feelings before. That’s why I told her everything. I want her to know from the beginning, everything. But, it seems that my love hurts her.

I really do not know what to do. I’m so lost. I am not afraid who she will pick one day. I just want a chance to love her. I don’t care how it would end one day. I just want to love again, and be loved if possible.

It’s probably over now for me but I don’t wanna love somebody else.

I will probably just do the same old story. To keep loving someone inside me. To live in loneliness.

I wish she could feel the same.

The heart ready to be broken.

For WT.

With Love,

eldios©

It is all about love

Yesterday, I went out with her. The current star of my heart. The first time after I confessed my feelings to her last Monday 14th July 2014. It was a great night. I can’t describe how happy I was last night when we went out for a dinner. Her smiles and laughs drove me beyond heaven. She seemed enjoyed and more relaxed.

I woke up early morning yesterday after a full miserable day on Tuesday. Yeah, she rejected me. Lol. What’s new? Nothing is new. Me and rejection are like hot couples. I was so deep in miseries last Tuesday.

Somehow I woke up yesterday with new spirit and happiness. I went to work early! Very efficient day. Of course, I wanted to share my happiness with her.

So many things we chatted about since morning. From anaemia to me going to toilet. She sounded so happy. I was lucky I finished work so early so I could talk to her all day long. That’s all I want to do. I want to make her happy. That’s why I don’t give up on rejection. I want to fight, not to force her to love me, but to give me a chance to teach her about me. Of course, I would prefer she could love me back 1 day.

When she said she was coming to see me last night, my smile was 3x bigger than normal. We met the first time after that tough night. My first ever confession didn’t go well. Lol. She looked worried. Then once I started blabbering about my working non-sense, crazy stories, asking her questions after questions, she said ‘Why are you so happy today?’

Of course I was! Who wouldn’t be so happy to meet someone he loves so much?

We talked, we shared. I had a fun night. I haven’t had such a happy night like that for so many years.

I couldn’t stop staring at her beautiful eyes, smiles, laughs, and shy look. Yes, it is all her outer beauty, but that’s not what I like about her. I like the way she thinks. She is a kind-hearted person who gives without wishing for a return. She is stubborn, but who isn’t? She is strong in character. She always thinks of others. She is smart. There are so many things I could tell I like about her, but what important is I love her not because of this or that. I love her because of her as a full package.

All I know now is that I love her truly wholeheartedly and love doesn’t need a reason why. All I want is to make her happy. Whether she will be mine or not we’ll let the nature to decide. For now, I just want to enjoy loving someone, taking care of her and make her happy.

I wish I could be given this chance.

I may not be able to do what the other admirer does. Yes, she has 1 admirer for years and he is still waiting for her because she promised him to come back with him one day. You know, that classic romance story? I won’t be able to do what he has done for her. But, I will make my own stories. I will bring happiness and take a good care of her.

I’m not afraid of losing her one day and down the drain like before. I’m just afraid I will never try to love someone again if I stop now.

I am full of love.

For WT.

With Love,
eldios©

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Back to these crazy duties… – at Mater Dei Hospital

View on Path

Time

Time.

There isn’t much left.
All I could do is to stare at the distance
Hopeful if there is still a slight chance

But who am I to say?
A stranger who comes and tries to steal
A heart that’s probably been sealed

It is painful like it was before
Seeing the empire crumbling
When I just started crawling

Perhaps I should just lay down and low
Sitting at the bottom and take the blow
Cause never will I see a night full of glow
Even if I have waited so long for the show

I’m just the man of those days
The one who keeps standing and trying
The one who keeps crumbling and losing
The one who stares at the clock ticking
Wishing if I could ever turn back time

Time.
There isn’t much left
I still don’t know if what I’m doing is right
I don’t know if I should go ahead and fight
Or step back like I did before

Time.
If only it could stop for a little while
For me to catch my breath
To have my strength to stand
To keep smiling though tears stream down

Time.
If only I could buy time.
-EdWongso©-
Malta, 14th July 2014

Heart waved like sands on the beach

With Love,
eldios©

Just Another Short Love Story – Week 1

Cause I have been where you are before and I have felt the pain of losing who you are and I have died so many times, but I am still alive. This is not the end of me, this is the beginning. -Christina Perri

That quote is part of lyrics from Christina Perri’s I believe. That was the song I was listening to when my flight touched down in Malta. I am trying to believe in myself again. I’m trying to rebuild, reshape, remodel myself. I am learning how to love again. I am learning how to live again.

 

20th June 2014.

I was sick and tired after a long haul flight from home. Lack of sleeps for the previous 4 weeks had really bitten me hard. I woke up that morning and wasn’t sure if I was up for work and get back to the usual heavy days. I still forced myself though.

For the first time in since February, I change my appearance. I wore a new spectacles. I shaved after almost 3 months! I wore a proper shirt, not the typical scrubs. I shocked everyone in the ward that day.

I was thinking that I should be trying to pick up myself back on the track.

We started our ward round at 9 am as usual. Just when we finish up on our first patient, there were a pharmacist walked in with an Asian girl and introduced her to the pharmacist in our team. I couldn’t believe what I saw at that second.

It was a weird feeling when I saw her. My jaw clenched tightly. My heart pumped faster. I suddenly became quite and didn’t say a word. The last time I felt that kind of sensation was on 12th July 2007 when I saw W walked down the stairs in her house. Could I start feeling love again after the last 2 years I abandoned myself? Probably, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m excited.

She is just simply attractive and beautiful.

The whole ward round I kept staring at her. I was not brave at all to start a conversation with her. I just looked at her again and again. I admired how she looks so soft, caring, and pure. She isn’t someone who loves glamorous life or looking for high-end life. She is just simple yet elegant.

At the end of the ward round, I was told by the pharmacist that she is a pharmacy student for 3 months exchange from the UK. I remember how the pharmacist asked if she was single and made fun of me.

As usual, we have a conference after each ward round. I was really waiting to talk with her during the conference although I still didn’t know how to introduce myself to her. I spent the whole ward round trying to figure out how I could start a conversation with her, but the caterpillar in my stomach has just turned into butterflies . However, the pharmacist asked her to skip the conference. I was so disappointed and regretted that I still couldn’t talk with her.

21st June 2014.

Pharmacists are off on Saturday. I was so damn lazy. It was like a typical day before I went home. No excitement. However, the odd thing was when I realized I still did my hair, wore a proper shirt, happy and fun. I went home and cleaned my apartment! I had not touched anything for more than 2 months and I just suddenly picked up brooms and started cleaning up.

22nd June 2014.

Her image came up to my mind repetitively for the whole day. It was like I was smoking weeds (I don’t know how it feels smoking weeds but I presumed it was the same. lol.). I shopped for groceries for the first time in the last 1 year. I planned to cook. I wanted to live and eat more healthy. I did it not for her but I couldn’t deny she excites me.

23rd June 2014.

Tiredness and coughs really hit me hard. I felt I was about to die. However, I still stood up, got out of my bed, and went to work. It was not because of my responsibilities but I did not want to miss the chance of meeting her. I went to work late because I was thinking of skipping a day before I changed my mind.

As soon as I stepped down from the bus, I saw her in the glimpse crossing the road. I chased her. But, as soon as I arrived just 3 meters behind her, I stopped. I stunted and couldn’t call her. I just walked slowly behind her. I was switching my mind whether I should call her or not. I wasted my time but I was nervous!

I didn’t call her in the end because I thought I could see her during the ward round. Unfortunately, I was wrong. The pharmacist was off and she didn’t come with us. I regretted myself wasting a chance.

For the first time in Malta, I cooked a proper meal for myself. It was just simple fried rice. When I broke down 2 years ago, I stopped cooking. I have forgotten how I used to enjoy cooking my meal although I am not a good cook.

24th June 2014.

I didn’t see her. I was disappointed and sad.

25th June 2014.

I again did not see her. I thought I was a fool to believe in it.

I missed her somehow. I just wished I could meet her again and get to know her.

I posted on facebook:

Sometimes chances don’t come twice.

 

-End of Week 1-

For WT.

 

With Love,

eldios©

All of Me

What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind?
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

-John Legend©-

 

You may not believe me but I have only heard this song yesterday and this song keeps replaying in my head over and over again. I just found out the lyric express everything word by word about my thoughts and feelings for this new star. The sparkle of a new star blinked in my heart 3 weeks ago, woke me up from a long sleep. No, it ain’t a new hope for a new beginning from the disaster 2 years ago. It is a love.

Two years I have waited for someone to come, turn on the light in the darkness, wake me up from a long nightmare, resurrect me from death, and draw a smile on my face. Unexpectedly but I suppose finally I could feel this love again.

For WT.

With Love,

eldios©

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